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Fan Fiction: Vila's Letters Home by Brad Black, Series A (2021)

Vila's Letters Home by JustBrad.




A1 The Way Back
03.01.2021
Dear Mum,

Well, it finally happened. I got arrested, just for pulling my money out of a pocket. Ha, you guessed it right away, didn't you? My money, philosophically speaking, but not my pocket. They are shipping me off to Cygnus Alpha, so it may be some time before I can write again, anywhere from five minutes if the guards aren't too observant, to forever if they are.

Planning for the worst, I made friends with a big fellow named Gan, looks a construction grade to me, or more like a building.

I know you said never to do anything so stupid, but I also made friends with two Alphas. One's a smuggler, a big name, you'd like her. The other looks a trouble maker. Well. I'd better go. I have to bribe a guard to post this. Luckily, I stumbled upon a brand new watch to use as a small bribe. Would you believe it, it fell right off that trouble making Alpha's wrist. Twice.

Love, Vila.
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A2 Space Fall
09.01.2021

Well, Mum,

Here I am on my way to a penal colony. They say prison changes a person, but I didn’t realize it happened so fast. I mean, I boarded the ship, and by the time I turned around and took my seat, almost everyone had changed. A lot. They’re like a different group of people, except Blake and Jenna and me.

I’m afraid this may be my last letter. I bribed that nice Mister Artix to post it for me when he gets back to Earth.

The other officer, Mister Raiker, isn’t so nice. He’s one of those who enjoys giving us a hard time. I hear he was head of security on some super secret giant space station until some hot shot kid in a T-16, or something like that, blew it up and he got demoted. Haven’t seen him lately. I wonder what happened.

We tried to take over the ship. I did my part, opening doors, though I did have a gun malfunction. Of course, we failed, or I should say, Blake failed (he’s that trouble making Alpha I made friends with, the one who kept losing his watch). He caved, but maybe it’s a good thing for me he did, as I’d been caught.

It gets worse. You warned me never to trust an Alpha, but I didn’t listen. Those two Alphas I mentioned in my last letter, well, they met a third Alpha, stole a ship, and scarpered, leaving me behind.

That’s gratitude for you. Next stop Cygnus Alpha. I hope the food is good.

Love, Vila
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A3 Cygnus Alpha
16.01.2021
Dear Mum, well, I made it to Cygnus Alpha in one piece. I’ll have to wait for the next prison ship to post this letter and hope that nice Mister Artix is on it (he posted my last letter, if you got it).

This planet is a bit naff. It’s dark and drafty, and run by a cult that worships a rather poorly carved bust of some bloke called…. called… what is that god’s name? What did that big, loud priest call him, oh, yes, Neil. “ Behold your god, Neil!”

Yes, I stole that joke. You know I’m a thief, right?

All the clergy dress like Gregorian monks. You remember I wanted to be a Gregorian monk when I was a kid, but I never got the chants.

Yes, I stole that joke, too.

Anyway, back to that priest. He’s big and loud and mean and a bit mad. In other words, typical clergy. He wanders around muttering to himself, insisting this one bloke is alive. I have no idea what he’s talking about. I don’t even know who Gordon is. I think he wants to take his clergy on a road trip. He keeps bellowing, "Drive, my frock men, drive!”

Sorry. One day on this miserable planet and Flash Gordon jokes seem funny. I’m cracking up. That’s what it is. But don’t worry about me. Gan is here, and he’s looking out for me, and none of the other inmates will cross him. I'm still worried about that priest, though.

Well, goodbye, mum. This is likely my last letter. If I can ever post it.

Love, Vila
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A4 Time Squad
24.01.2021

Well, Mum, we are well and truly away. That ship those Alphas stole (Jenna prefers the word “Salvaged,” much like Uncle Bardolph preferred the words “Fell Off The Back Of A Wagon.”), yes, this ship can outrun anything the Feds can send after it.

Now I know what Uncle Bardolph would say, he’d say, “Vila, my lad, first rule of the trade, when you’ve been spotted, it’s time to scarper, and once you’ve scarpered, it’s time to lay low until the heat is off.” Unfortunately, Blake isn’t in a mood to listen to Uncle Bardolph’s excellent advice.

So, it’s a good thing Jenna is a good pilot. And she seems to have gotten past the ‘Let’s push this button and see what happens,’ phase of figuring out how to fly this ship.

We were on our way to blow up a Federation Control Center and help the local rebels. At least it’s a long way away, kind of like hitting the bank across town after you’ve set off the alarm at the downtown depository.

On the way we picked up a small alien ship with a few sleepy aliens inside. I don’t like it. Small alien ships are always trouble. You always have to look for hidden compartments. My shipmates aren’t concerned. You’d think none of them have ever seen Quatermass and the Pit, but I know Blake has.

At least I didn’t have to baby sit (alien sit) them as Blake took me down to meet the rebels (and pick some locks). Turned out to be only one rebel, Cally. She says she’s from Auron. I think her people must be descended from the English. Who else would think bright red makes a good outfit for military operations?

You can tell the Feds didn’t build our ship, because they never do anything new when they can copy something old. That complex we came to blow up looks just like that old power station in Gloucestershire. Anyway, we blew it up, had a close call when it came time to scarper, but we made it.

And Cally joined us. Jenna wasn’t happy. Turns out those sleepy aliens weren’t so sleepy, and they had friends hiding in the back (I told you, didn’t I? Just like Quatermass and the Pit). Having just fended off a gang of aliens, Jenna wasn’t too happy about taking Cally on board, but I think Cally will be all right. For starters, she’s got nice legs.

That's all for now. Sounds like Blake is already planning more trouble for the Feds (and for us).

Love, Vila
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A5 The Web
29.01.2021
Dear Mum,
Well, today didn’t get off to a good start. I found some trendy clothes that fit me in the ship’s wardrobe. I went to the new girl, Cally, to see what she thought. I said, “Hey, Cally, what do you think of the outfit?” Apparently she didn’t like it.

Like she can criticize, running around with fake spinach on her shoulders. Then she went to help Avon with the detector links. Either he’s a lousy teacher or she’s a terrible student, as we ended up flying blind to an unknown star system at standard by eight. As Great-Uncle Montgomery would say, we were going nowhere, and we were going there mighty fast. And once we got there, we were stuck. Speaking of Uncle Montgomery, I got to fire the ship’s neutron blasters. I guess that makes me the weapons officer. Do weapons officers outrank engineers?

Blake told me to do a gravity check? Really? And he just got done telling Jenna to compensate for gravitational drift. Yes, Blake, there is gravity. He told me to check the atmosphere as well, I thought the atmosphere was rather gloomy, especially after he told me to send Avon down, and then told me not to, and got angry because I already had. Alphas…. And Heroes… I can do without them all. Did I mention how Avon likes to break things just to see how long it takes the ship to fix itself?

So, Blake and Avon went down to the spooky planet of webs (did I mention the webs, that’s why we’re stuck). Where was I? Oh, yes, Blake and Avon went down to deal with the little homicidal maniacs, after Jenna and Gan had to deal with big homicidal maniacs last time. Somehow I’ve lucked out twice. While Blake and Avon were down on the planet, I had nothing to do, which as you chastised me often enough when I was a lad, is my favorite thing to do.

Anyway, turns out Cally, being a telepath (did I mention that?) is a bit susceptible to outside influence. Just to make Cally feel at home, Jenna got possessed, too. If they get in my head, I’m charging them rent. Cally says these mind control guys are The Lost. Well, not any more… Cally says she wasn’t prepared, and that’s how they took her over. I’m sure it will never happen again.

Love, Vila.

P.S. About Cally, we accidentally flew too close to a Galactic Entertainment Broadcast relay antenna, and Cally went spare. Now she claims she is Jack, somebody… Jack… Jack… Jack Eff Emm. Yes, that’s it. And the funny thing, she sounds just like Avon.
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A6 Seek, Locate, Destroy
06.02.2021
Well, Mum, we are starting to make a name for ourselves. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. As Great Uncle Davos used to say, ‘If you’re a famous smuggler, you’re not doing it right.’ I’m sure that applies to thieves as well, so I suggested a completely new strategy (really, an age old strategy), but Blake wasn’t having it.

We’ve just stolen a cipher machine from the Feds so we can read their secret mail. Blake had a close call with a health and safety robot? I assume it was a health and safety bot as it went about removing tripping hazards like dangling cables with extreme prejudice.

None of my shipmates are very observant. For instance, none of them have noticed that I keep all my trade tools in my pocket, so none of them have asked me ‘what’s in the cooler,’ meaning I don’t have to share.

The Feds like to put signs on their fences that say ‘Top Security.’ I wonder who they think they are fooling. And I finally found out what Blake is bad at: Keeping watch for large, slow moving robots. Maybe it was a friendly robot, as it carried a sign that said, ‘Free Hugs,’ but why take the chance, or at the very least, don’t go first. You know who is even worse at keeping watch? Feds in their ‘I can’t see a thing in this helmet’ helmets.

So, it was a straightforward heist, with the minor complication of hostages, and having to blow up the ‘vault’ so the bank wouldn’t know they were robbed. And then there was the minor complication of having to deal with a guard before he sounded the alarm. Well, you can’t win them all, can you? Still, all in all, everything went smooth and according to plan.

I found a new outfit in the wardrobe, even more fashionable than the last one. I think I’ll go see what Cally thinks of this one.

Cally….

Mum, I have to run.

Love, Vila.
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A7 Mission to Destiny
13.02.2021
Dear Mum,

We stumbled on an old spacecraft. You’d think we’d learn to leave these things alone, but even Gan was chiding me for being too cautious. Jenna thought the ship was in trouble (I wonder what clued her in?), Blake was up for an adventure and Avon was curious. When will we learn? At least there weren’t any locks on the ship that needed opening, so I got to sit at the teleport like old Uncle Montgomery.

Blake, Avon, and Cally went over. They found the crew knocked out by sleep gas, the pilot dead, another crew member missing (turns out he was murdered), and all the controls jammed. I wonder if Gan still thinks I’m being too cautious. I’d ask him, but he usually speaks only about seven times per adventure.

The crew had this magic potion to save their planet from a rampant mushroom, but they couldn’t do light speed, so Blake volunteered to help them. One problem, he never checked the merchandise. He wouldn’t last five minutes on the docks.

Listening to Cally tell the story, I was astounded. They figured someone on the ship was a killer, and the captain sent everyone back to work… unsupervised. They wouldn’t last five minutes on the docks.

So, we were off to Destiny. And destiny, (not to be confused with Destiny), threw an asteroid storm in our way. I wanted to go around. It would have cost us a few days, but we’d have still arrived in plenty of time. Of course, Blake was for charging straight through… without even knowing how big the storm was. It’s amazing he’s lasted five minutes even off the docks.

We took a pounding. The force wall failed. So we went to maximum speed to get through the storm, and knocked the magic potion off the table…. We opened the case to check the magic potion was okay, and guess what…. You know, don’t you, mum, cuz you have lasted far longer than five minutes on the docks.

The force wall was still down, and we had to travel back through the entire asteroid storm. Fortunately, Jenna is a great pilot. She flew back through the asteroid storm through the same hole our ship made on the way in. (Really, it’s the only explanation that makes sense). I’d like to see some trumped up space captain from the Federation academy do that.

So, Cally told me all about the murders, and the murderer. Turns out she stole the magic potion to sell it to some pirates. As Aunt Agatha would say, it’s always the one you least suspect, because if it’s the one you most suspect, it wouldn’t be a mystery.

We got back just in time to rescue everybody. And to teach the pirates a lesson, Blake left a bomb on the hatch of the Ortega… So, we saved their magic potion and destroyed their ship.

Yes, Blake knows we have Neutron Blasters. Yes, we could have just blasted the pirate ship as soon as they showed up on our scanners. Alphas, always needlessly complicating things. No wonder they never last five minutes on the docks.

Love, V
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A8 Duel
20.02.2021

Well, Mum, I’m tired.

I’m not quite sure why I’m tired. Seems like we just left Destiny just a few days ago, but apparently Travis has been chasing us for ages. Even Blake is tired and looking for a quiet planet where we can all have a nice rest.

I have a list I could give him, but the planet he chose wouldn’t be on it. Basically, the whole planet was a cemetery, which you’d think would be fine for some peace and quiet, but this planet was haunted.

No, really, mum. It was haunted by a beautiful ghost, and… Giroc. And Travis was there in orbit waiting for us. And the beautiful ghost was none too happy that Blake and Travis were having their little battle over her dead planet. In fact, I don’t think she liked having company at all. Funny, cuz if I were a ghost, stuck haunting some dreary desolate place for ages, I’d be thrilled to have some company. Especially if I were stuck with Giroc.

Anyway, the ghost lady got angry that Blake and Travis were fighting, and wanted to teach them a lesson, so, she yanked Blake and Travis down to her planet and made them fight. You read that right. She didn’t like them fighting, so she made them fight. Winner goes home, loser stays, forever. It reminded me of that time Uncle Tiberius fought that Lizard Man on a bet.

Nothing happened at night. Nothing. Blake had Jenna all alone, and made no move at all. But it could be worse. Travis struck out with his own mutoid.

So, Blake won, because, while Blake is a bit thick, Travis is even thicker. Talk about overly elaborate plans. I mean, they were fighting with pointed sticks. (No, there weren’t any bananas, but there were some nuts). How did they make pointed sticks, I hear you ask. With machetes. Yes, they had machetes, and fought with pointed sticks. I told you they were thick.

Oh, and Travis didn’t have to stay forever, because Blake asked the ghost lady (who was quite nice when all the fighting was done), to let Travis go. I told you he was a bit thick.

Anyway, we got to watch the whole thing on our monitor courtesy of the nice ghost lady, and it gave me an idea. You dump a bunch of people on a planet, or if planets are too much, maybe an island, and then you give them a bunch of trials, and you give a prize to the last person to make it through all the trials, the last ‘survivor’ as it were. And you charge people to watch. If only I could think of a name for the program. 'Endurer,' or something like that.

Well, after that dark and dreary planet, I hope our next stop is somewhere sunny and warm.

Love, Vila
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A9 Project Avalon
27.02.2021
Dear Mum,

We rescued a rebel. Hooray for us. Her name was Avalon. No idea if she has nice legs because everyone was wearing parkas. Yes, it was cold there. So cold I’m convinced I saw a Yeti. Or maybe it was just Servalin in her cat windcheater.

Yes, it was cold, but fortunately we ran into a friendly hugbot who tried his best to keep us warm.
When Blake left to meet Avalon, he said, “If all goes well we’ll be back in fifteen minutes.”

It took all day.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but Travis got there first. He captured Avalon, and replaced her with an android. So, yes, we rescued the android… at least the first time. Unfortunately they kept her in a high security area, so, naturally, I had to go down and get her out. Even if she was just an android. A very pretty android.

Apparently this was a top level plan. The Supreme Commander showed up to cheer Travis on, at least when she wasn’t busy turning Adric into a Jaggeroth.

Anyway, we rescued the android fake Avalon. You know what tipped us off? No, it wasn’t the constant whirring coming from her head. Blake got shot… by a dud gun. Meaning they wanted us to get away. Well, I wanted us to get away, too, so never say I have nothing in common with the Feds.

So, Avon reprogrammed the android. I had a few minor suggestions, but Avon and Blake didn’t listen. I mean, she’d be great for fetching Adrenaline and Soma, but Avon programmed her to help rescue the real Avalon. Alas, the real Avalon was definitely not good at fetching Adrenaline and Soma.

Speaking of Adrenaline and Soma, I’m going to sign off and go fetch one for my friend Gan. He says he’s got a headache.

Love,
Vila.
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A10 Breakdown
05.03.2021
Dear Mum,

My friend Gan had a close call. His limiter malfunctioned. Why they just left the limiter sitting on top of the head I have no idea. He should probably take to wearing a hat. Yes, he has a limiter. Yes, when it malfunctioned he turned violent, and cunning, and no, I don’t want to think about what that might mean. I like him as he is. With the limiter.

The only place we could get the limiter fixed was at a neutral space station. And it was nearby. One problem, there was nothing in the way. Nothing, as in, if you go in there, nothing happens to you… ever again. Jenna flew us straight through the big orange swirly black hole of nothing in space, and without the ship’s master computer. I’d like to see some tumped up captain candidate from the Federation Fleet Academy do that... from a distance.

We found the space station. The good news, they had a neurosurgeon. The bad news. He was a typical Alpha jerk.

Fortunately, I’ve had plenty of experience with Alpha jerks so I know how to handle them. Turns out Avon and Blake are surprisingly good at handling them, too. ‘Takes one to know one?’ I wonder sometimes.

Anyway, it all turned out well. Gan got healed and I’m sure he will soon be his usual, quiet, hardly ever speaks, self. Kayn went into full mad scientist mode, and caught a plasma bolt up the jumper for all his trouble.

And Avon asked why I stay with Blake. As dangerous as this life is, where else would I go that’s safer? Think about it, Avon.
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A10 Bounty
13.03.2021
Dear Mum,

Blake and Cally went down to a planet to rescue President Sarkov, who didn’t think he needed rescuing. Cally wore a leopard skin top, which would have been perfect camouflage if there were any leopards on that planet. Blake wore greens and tans, which would have been perfect camouflage except for the large, bright red tool box he was carrying. I sometimes wonder how the Feds haven’t arrested us all yet….

Meanwhile, those of us still on the ship picked up a distress call. Despite our past history with derelict ships, we checked it out, even after Blake told us not to take any stupid risks, even though Jenna used to say sending a distress call was an old trick used by pirates, and you know what….

Got it in one, didn’t you, Mum. Really, it was embarrassing. They took us out with super soakers filled with tranquilizer gas. Locked us up in our own storage room and locked bombs around our necks.

Like a few locks were going to stop us. But, Mum, you’d be ever so proud of the size of the bounty on my head. Thirteen million for me, my mates, and our ship. I bet you can’t wait to tell the girls in your Mah Jong club.

I have to hand it to Jenna. She played both sides like a pro. An Alpha with street smarts. Who'd have thunk it? She even had Blake doubting her. Of course, she could have been putting half her money on the pirates, and half her money on us, but I still have to admire her for that.

And I earned Blake’s trust… sort of… or was that an insult… Why am I never sure?

Anyway, we got President Sarkov home. In the end he found his nerve and shot the pirate. I hope he doesn’t lose his nerve once he’s back in power.

Nice guy, President Sarkov, if a bit odd. Dresses like an impresario, drives an antique car that goes unusually fast, doesn’t like guns, and had an strange relationship with that Federation Brigadier. Reminds me of that eccentric professor I met on Pluto. Have I done that yet, or will I do that later? Hard to keep it all straight dealing with the odd sorts.
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A12 Deliverance
20.03.2021
Mum,

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but we picked up a distress signal. Well, we didn’t actually pick up a distress signal, but I imagine they were yelling ‘Help’ really loudly as we watched them crash. So, we went down to find the life capsules. Blake ordered a trace on the ship. I would have saved Zen the trouble and just gone straight to the rising column of thick black smoke.

Oh, did I mention radiation? I’m sure I will later.

So, we found this bloke named Ensor. He was badly hurt so we took him to the med bay. Seems his dad, also named Ensor (lack of imagination in that family), built a supercomputer and the Feds want to pay him 100 million for it, only they don’t. They tried to nick it by crashing the ship so Ensor (junior) couldn’t deliver the power cells Ensor (senior) needs to stay alive. Well, anything worth 100 million has to be worth stealing, doesn’t it? I’m really excited about the chance to nick something that valuable. Most of the crew aren’t into theft, but Jenna’s a smuggler. Yes, I bet Jenna’s excited....

Jenna…


Mum, I’ll be right back…

Mum, did I mention the planet was crawling with the cast of that old vidcaset, Quest for Fire? In the words of old Uncle Zaphod, Keep Banging The Rocks Together. Just not on my head. We rescued Jenna, not that she’ll thank us for it, as we’re the ones who left her behind in the first place.

But the best part is Megat. Poor deranged girl. For one thing, she thinks Avon is wonderful. She also thinks she shares her underground base with just under a hundred people, but we didn’t see anyone else.

Apparently while we had our hands full with Alley Oop and his friends, Cally and Blake had their hands full with a critically injured scientist. The poor man died while waiting for Blake to over power him.

Anyway, turns out Megat was a babysitter watching a rocket carrying her race’s frozen babies. We launched the rocket. It will reach its destination in about five hundred years. Of course, we could have intercepted the rocket and taken the frozen babies to their destination in five minutes, but we have a scientist to save, and a supercomputer to steal.

Love, Vila
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A13 Orac
27.03.2021
Dear Mum,

I mentioned radiation in my last letter, didn’t I? Well, I got it. We all got it, except Blake and Cally who spent hours being held hostage by a critically wounded scientist. Funny how Blake leaves that out when he tells his version of the story to Avon.

So, we’re off to deliver the power cells Ensor needs in trade for the anti radiation drugs we need, keep the Feds from nicking Orac, and hopefully nick it ourselves.

Blake and Cally went down to make the delviery, and ran into Servalan and Travis. Of course, we had to rescue them, (Blake and Cally, that is). Might not have needed to if Ensor hadn’t left a handy map of his lair for Servalan to find.

So, Orac can read databases from other computers and over ride their functions. Things should be very easy for us from here on out. We can simply tell Orac to make pursuit ships crash into each other, or transfer millions into our bank accounts, or shut down the defense grids of Fed bases we want to attack, or order all the Adrenaline and Soma we want. Yes, with a little imagination things should get much easier for us.

If only Blake and Avon had a little imagination between them.

Cally said that if Blake hadn’t spent so much time trying to cause a cave in, they could have made it out in time to avoid Servalan and Travis, and save Ensor.

Maybe it’s a good thing Blake doesn’t use his imagination more often.

I mentioned how Orac can read databases. Turns out he already has, and knows so much he says he can predict the future. That could be very handy with a little imagination, if only we have time for Blake and Avon to develop a little imagination between them. Which will probably never happen, and definitely won't if Orac’s first prediction comes true.

Going for an A&S and a lie down and trying not to think about it.

I’ll write again soon, Mum,

I hope.

Love, Vila.

PS I wonder what will happen to the fish.
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