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Fan Fiction: Vila's Letters Home by Brad Blake, Series B (2021)
- 25 Jan 2022
- Fan Fiction
- 101 Reads
03.04.2021
Dear Mum,
You know that occasional occupational hazard you can have where you acquire something, and the previous owner has no grasp of the age old dictum “Finder’s Keeper’s?” Or, as Uncle Quark (I know he’s adopted, but at heart he’s all Restal), or as Uncle Quark used to call it, the “Rules of Acquisition.” We’re having a little problem with that.
I know what you’re saying, “Grab the Merchandise and Scarper.”
Problem is, they’ve still got the keys, so to speak, so they’re driving. They took us to ‘The System.’ The place is about as bland as the name. From the outside it looks like a giant wheel. From the inside it looks like that Fed base on Centero where we met Cally, (which looked just like the old abandoned Gloucester-SHIRE power station).
And they arrested us for theft. The nerve. We found that ship fair and square. It’s called salvage, and it’s perfectly legal. They didn’t care. It’s what you always said, Mum, there’s no justice, so make your own. So I did. They locked us in cells with state of the art high tech magno locks… So high tech that it took me a couple of minutes.
The most shocking thing is that Blake managed to escape on his own. He met this fellow who knew all the back routes and bolt holes. I bet he’s a distant relative (real distant, considering he lives in sector 12).
Anyway, our new toy, Orac… You don’t know about Orac, do you, Mum? Well, think of a rat in a perspex box full of wires, minus the rat, but with double the ratty attitude. That’s Orac. And he’s a marvelous security hack. He could put me out of a job if I’m not careful, or if he weren’t so ratty. After I got everyone out of the cells, Orac freed our ship, blew up the pursuit..,
...and we grabbed the merchandise and scarpered.
This time we didn’t salvage Liberator, we stole it. So it really feels like home now. And with Orac, The System won’t be able to override our navigation and defense again, so it’s as good as a bill of sale. Now all we have to do is keep the Feds from nicking the ship we nicked.
With Orac and Liberator, that should be really easy… unless we do something stupid. But we’re not doing something stupid, we’re going to Space City! Space City, Mum. I’m so excited… and nervous. Why do I worry? It’s not like Blake can do anything stupid at Space City. It’s Space City. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ll write again after I sober up from the trip to Space City.
Love, Vila
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B2 Shadow
10.04.2021
Well, Mum, I got to Space City, and Blake finally told us what he wants to do here. He wants to make a deal with the Terra Nostra.
Seriously.
And he left me behind.
Seriously
So, naturally, I followed him down anyway, knowing he’d need help, only I wasn’t much help because I got a little distracted. Actually, I got a lot distracted. So distracted I don’t remember what I did, so I KNOW I had a good time. But, still, I was right, Blake didn’t know how to handle the Terra Nostra.
Blake left me behind, and he keeps calling the Terra Nostra contact, ‘Jenna’s friend,’ even after she said not to. And while I was resting up after my visit to Space City, Blake dismissed Cally’s well founded concerns.
And everyone is mad at me.
So, we went to blow up the Terra Nostra’s Shadow garden. It was really hot down there. Twin Suns, just like the planet Uncle Ben used to live on while he was stalking that teenage kid with the T16.
You remember our invisible rat in a box, Orac. Turns out it went all funny while I was away. And it did something to Cally. But the magic mushrooms the Terra Nostra use to make Shadow fixed everything.
Seriously.
I’m going for a lie down, now.
Love, Vila
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B3 Weapon
18.04.2021
Dear Mum,
Since tangling with the Terra Nostra worked out so well, now Blake wants to attack the Federation’s weapons developments base. I know what you’re thinking, but he has a good reason… So he can attack Earth…
Really…
But we got a break. Someone stole something important. So, instead of robbing the bank, we only had to rob the robber. Much easier. Usually.
Apparently some technician invented a thing called IMIPAK and then scarpered with it. He was able to walk right past the guards dressed as Ming the Merciless. I mean, if you saw Ming The Merciless leaving, would you try to stop him? So, we’re going to steal IMIPAK, just to find out what it is.
Does that make sense? Why do I feel like someone is just pulling our strings?
Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but Travis got there first. Apparently, so did Blake, or a Blake clone. Of all the people you could clone, Blake would come bottom of my list. I wonder what they charge to clone an allegedly Ginger Mercenary. Asking for a friend.
But Servalan got IMIPAK, so we had to run. We hit a mine, but we still made it.
Then Blake called Blake to tell Blake he was free of IMIPAK. Is that a Person To Person Call, or a Person to Person to Person call?
Does any of this make sense? I didn't think so. Two Blakes. I think I need a drink.
Love, Vila.
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B4 Horizon
24.04.2021
Dear Mum,
We’ve had a tiring time of it. We ran from IMIPAK and just kept running, and running, and running…. right into the middle of nowhere. IMIPAK must have really got under Blake’s skin. It’s not like him to run from a fight. Not that I am complaining. Running away is my favorite strategy.
So, we followed a Federation freighter in the hopes they might be on their way to a Space Little Chef.
We followed it to a planet called Horizon. Blake decided it was a good place for a rest, even though it was obviously a Federation outpost of some kind. What could possibly go wrong?
Well, for one thing they didn’t have a Space Burger King, let alone a Space Little Chef. For relaxation the locals go down the mine. Reminds me of the West Country for some reason, like, WAY west. You remember that town where Uncle Trevor was attacked by a rogue street sign? At least Cardiff had The Gallifreyan Renegade Experience.*
I told you Gan has a limiter. Maybe that’s why he’s the only one the Liberator will let fetch more than one gun at a time. And I discovered a new drink. I had rather a lot of it. Now, if only I could get the hang of teleportation without falling over.
They captured us straight away. Blake and Jenna, too. It was terrible, Mum.
They tortured us. What’s worse, they made us do work.
Avon rescued us. I never would have thought it. I would have thought something would have to make him become a hero.
We’re all still very tired, so here’s hoping Blake has nothing dangerous planned for a while. I really should go help Gan, like I promised, but I’m going to have a lie down. There will be plenty of time to talk to Gan later.
Love,
Vila
*Paula and I absolutely love Wales. We’ve been all over it from Swansea to Snowdonia, from the Elan Valley to Harlech, (where Trevor Travis was first assaulted (deservedly so) by a Welsh Street sign). And my Mother’s maiden name was Owens, so I figure I’m allowed to make a few jokes.
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B5 Pressure Point
02.05.2021
Dear Mum,
How to sum up my day? I know…. Bugger.
The good news is I’m all right. The bad news is, I’m not really all right. Things will never be the same.
Blake took us to Earth, to attack control, apparently because it’s supposed to be impossible. And it was. Blake promised to call everything off if it looked like we had less than an even chance. Given what he thinks an even chance is, I’d like to play poker with him.
And yet it was all going so well. Yes, there were setbacks, like the Feds capturing our contacts, and nearly capturing us thanks to a little too much soma. But Blake pressed on.
We got into the Forbidden Zone, which was kind of like running the obstacle course for mandatory physical training at reform school. Only these had even bigger booby traps than the ones at reform school. There was sprinting, ladders, monkey bars. Get one wrong and you're dead. It was almost enough to make me wish I hadn’t skipped all the Physical Training days…. Almost.
I’ve got to hand it to the Feds. They essentially put up a big sign that says, “Valuable, Keep Out.” And then they hid the goods somewhere else. Like a mark who has a big safe in his drawing room, but buried the family jewels in the cabbage patch.
So we went through all that work to find an empty room, with Travis waiting for us. Fortunately, Jenna showed up. She had hooked up with Veron, (one of our contacts), and captured Servalan. I’m glad she came down for us, but why did she give Servalan time to change clothes? Priorities, I guess.
So we didn’t get what we wanted, and the Feds didn’t get what they wanted, namely, all of us. Blake left Veron behind to help organize the resistance on Earth. We left her right in the middle of…
Oh, dear. We left her right in the middle of…
Too late now. I’ve got a lot on my mind, but I can’t write about it yet. Sorry. If only Gan hadn’t chosen that moment to show us his Hodor impression.
I’m going for a lie down. I don’t even want a Soma.
Love, Via.
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B6 Trial
06.05.2021
Dear Mum,
I thought Gan’s death hit me pretty hard, but it must have hit Blake hard, too. He’s done a runner, only, he’s done a runner and left a forwarding address. Maybe we’ll pick him up, maybe we won’t. Maybe he’ll let us. Maybe he won’t. Maybe I’ll ask Cally for a Soma. Maybe she’ll give me one. It would be a good chaser to this sudden dose of reality we’ve all been given.
I don’t see the point in all this, really. Avon says he does. He says it’s guilt. I wonder how he knows so much about guilt. And Jenna… well, Jenna is very… very what? Angry? Hurt? Whatever it is, it’s not good. I normally don’t mind the silent treatment, but hers can lower the temperature even in a large, warm room. You could get frostbite by touching her shoulder. I wouldn’t want to be Blake when he comes back, if he comes back.
To pass the time, Jenna and Avon played chess with pepperpots. To pass the time, I watched them. This is because the only videos
we have on board are the Star Wars Prequels. We really need to pick up some decent movies for our recreation time.
So, Blake put himself down on a living planet that wants to eat him. Sounds like a worse holiday than being stuck inside Madame Tussauds for two whole weeks during the spring break student bus tours. Cally had to watch the teleport to bring Blake up. Might have been easier for her if Avon and I hadn’t been standing in front of her.
Using Avon’s new gadget, we made a high speed attack against Supreme Command Headquarters. I feel better just thinking about how we must have ruined Travis’ day.
Love, Vila
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B7 Killer
15.05.2021
Dear Mum,
Short letter this week on account of me being in the subplot. At least I’m not on teleport duty. Just as well, I’d look some kind of funny in a white body stocking.
We visited an old friend of Avon’s. I know. Shocking. Avon has a friend. He works on Phosphoron, which looks a lot like Oldbury. Amazing how much of the galaxy looks like Oldbury.
You can tell Phosphoron is feeling the Federation Budget Crunch, all those techs and scientists running around dressed in bin liners. They’re even trying to raise money by letting the fire brigade sell tyres.
Anyway, while we were playing spy, Blake was playing doctor and let loose a plague. Where have I seen that before?
Oh, and Avon’s friend tried to sell him out. So, not that shocking after all.
Oh, and about that plague… I’m sure Blake wasn’t exposed...working with all those scientists… who were infected… And Doc Bellfriar never did finish giving us the formula for the anti serum... Maybe to be on the safe side I’ll go drink some bleach.
Love, Vila.
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B8 Hostage
22.05.2021
Dear Mum,
Well, the Feds are at it again. This time, to evade them, we had to fly through a big orange swirly thing in space. (Obligatory Uncle Dave Reference). So, after that near escape, we went to visit Blake’s Uncle, although Blake calls him his ‘Father’s Brother.’ Close knit families, those alphas.
But you’d like Inga, reminds me a lot of old aunt Leela, at least the way she dresses. Come to think of it, I don’t think Inga would know which end of a knife is pointy. Uncle Ushton, on the other hand, definitely knows which is the pointy end and wasted no time in showing me.
We’re all under a lot of stress. I can tell, because Jenna thinks Cally might be right. And Avon volunteered to go down and keep an eye on Blake. I really am beginning to think I woke up on the wrong ship this morning.
It was one thing for Avon to volunteer himself, but why did he have to volunteer me? I got to meet Blake’s Uncle Ushotn, the one who knows which end of the knife is the pointy end, as he wasted no time showing me. All I’ll say is that he’s not a nice person. There are times that Blake is not a nice person, but at least he’s nice about not being nice.
I had a rather embarrassing episode where Travis very cleverly and slyly and subtly tricked me into teleporting his crimo aboard Liberator. Could have happened to anyone.
Things got better. Blake’s Uncle fought the crimos while I stayed behind and comforted Blake’s pretty cousin Inga. Blake’s Uncle took out two crimos with a stick, and it wasn’t even a pointed stick. Then he took out two more, AND Travis. I have no idea what Blake and Avon were doing all this time.
I wonder, could we trade Blake in for his old Uncle? We'd overthrow the Feds in a week.
Anyway, Blake kissed his cousin goodbye and promised to return for her one day.
In front of Jenna…
And I thought it was cold down on the planet….
Love, Vila
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B9 Countdown
28.05.2021
4
Dear Mum,
Blake is looking for the Federation Control Center again, because things ended so well the last time went looking for it. We went to Albion looking for a Space Major and ran into an old friend of Avon’s named Del Grant.
This is the second old friend of Avon’s we’ve run into. The first was Tynus. Why do all of Avon’s old friends want to kill him?
With our typical bad timing we walked right into the middle of a battle complete with a Federation doomsday bomb. We had to rely on Avon and Grant to disarm it. I’m amazed we’re still alive.
Grant is rather severe, but he does have a sense of humor. I saw him smirk when Blake said he’d come looking for him if anything happened to Avon.
Turns out we sent the Space Major we were looking for with Blake. So, that’s one problem solved. One thing I’ll say about Albion, they need to put signs on their corridors.
Avon and Grant got the bombs disarmed. And now, Grant doesn’t want to kill Avon anymore. Pity. At least Grant was smart enough to not want to come with us, though I think I saw him slip Jenna a note with his address on it.
I hear that Grant organized rebellions on Arcos and others before that. Others, that's plural, so that's at least four planets that Grant has liberated counting Albion. And he doesn't even have Liberator.
Del Grant, what a guy!
Love, Vila
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B10 Countdown
Dear Mum,
Blake is looking for the Federation Control Center again, because things ended so well the last time went looking for it. We went to Albion looking for a Space Major and ran into an old friend of Avon’s named Del Grant.
This is the second old friend of Avon’s we’ve run into. The first was Tynus. Why do all of Avon’s old friends want to kill him?
With our typical bad timing we walked right into the middle of a battle complete with a Federation doomsday bomb. We had to rely on Avon and Grant to disarm it. I’m amazed we’re still alive.
Grant is rather severe, but he does have a sense of humor. I saw him smirk when Blake said he’d come looking for him if anything happened to Avon.
Turns out we sent the Space Major we were looking for with Blake. So, that’s one problem solved. One thing I’ll say about Albion, they need to put signs on their corridors.
Avon and Grant got the bombs disarmed. And now, Grant doesn’t want to kill Avon anymore. Pity. At least Grant was smart enough to not want to come with us, though I think I saw him slip Jenna a note with his address on it.
I hear that Grant organized rebellions on Arcos and others before that. Others, that's plural, so that's at least four planets that Grant has liberated counting Albion. And he doesn't even have Liberator.
Del Grant, what a guy!
Love, Vila
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B10 Voice from the Past
06.06.2021
Dear Mum. Some days I think the only sane people on this ship are me and Zen. And right now I am not too sure about me.
“Vila, why did you do it?” they ask, as if I did something incredibly stupid. How could I not do it? I mean, it’s Blake’s name on the shingle outside the shop, innit? It’s not Vila’s Vandals, or Avon’s Angels or Cally’s Commandos, or even Jenna’s Gendarmes, is it. No, it’s Blake’s 7 (cuz the Feds can’t count, I guess…)
It all started with Cally leading the crew in exercises. I wasn’t there, of course. I was more interested in getting to Del 10 for some R and R (Rye and Rum), at least until Blake changed course to some asteroid because a tone in his head told him to.
Needless to say, things got a little confused after that. We finally got to the asteroid to find some ancient rebel named Shivan wrapped up like a mummy, a man named Venn Glynnd (the judge who framed Blake, who has now joined the resistance), and a governor willing to launch a coup against the Federation.
Blake totally fell for it. Okay, maybe he can blame it on magic tones. But it turned out the mummy rebel was Travis in a really bad disguise, and neither Avon, Cally, Jenna, the judge or the Governor spotted him. To be fair, I didn’t either, but then according to them I’m the one who is a fourth grade ignorant. And yet I’m the one who figured out how to block the signals messing with Blake’s mind.
It turned out alright, more or less. We got away, but the Federation still exists, so I’ll write again next week. Isn’t it funny how Blake’s accusations that Avon and Cally had paired up, forced Avon and Cally to pair up…
And while everything turned out alright, it makes me wonder what else the Feds might make Blake do if they ever find a way to beam that tone into his head again. Like, here we all are with a price on our heads, what if they made him think he was a bounty hunter.
Probably worrying over nothing.
Bye for now.
Vila.
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B11 Gambit
13.06.2021
Dear Mum,
Remember old Uncle Ocean and how you said he was the most successful Restal Ever? Why do I mention him? Read on...
For once I got to take it easy, except for one little scare, but it worked out in the end.
The others went down to do the dirty work leaving Avon and I alone.
We had a little sleep.
Played a little chess.
And that’s all.
Really
Love, Vila.
P.S. Okay, I confess, that’s not quite all. We also experimented with Molecular Reduction Theory and bilked a casino out of ten million. And there were only two of us, not eleven. I’d like to see Uncle Ocean top that.
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B12 The Keeper
20.06.2021
Dear Mum,
Would you believe Space Vikings? I wouldn’t have either. They call themselves Goth, but no one wears dark eye makeup, has weird piercings, or listens to The Cure. They live underground on account of the smell. I think it’s the smell of lots of Space Vikings living underground slowly filtering to the surface and fermenting.
There’s Gola, the chief, kind of a Space Viking version of Reverend Vargas from Cygnus Alpha. not as menacing, but just as shouty. There’s Tara, who reminds me of Cackling Old Aunt Greta who used to work for that old Count up in the Carpathian mountains, and hang around the village of Carlstadt warning people ‘don’t go near the castle.’ And then there’s the old man in the dungeon who reminds me of old Uncle Micheael. You remember him, he used to wander up and down the beach muttering, “It’s!”
Anyway, Jenna and I got captured by the Space Vikings. Gola, the chief, wanted to pair bond with her. That’s not amazing. What’s amazing is that he’s the first man we’ve run into in all the galaxy who admits it. He took her dancing, bought her jewelry, told her she was beautiful, you know, all the thighs Blake never does. I’ve got to hand it to Jenna. She handled herself well. In no time at all she had the chief wrapped around her little finger, and without any messy pair bonding.
I tried to get Jenna to ask for a little wedding present, namely Servalan’s head on a stick, I’m sure Gola would have delivered for her, but I don’t think she heard me with all the shouting going on.
Anyway, Jenna nearly wound up queen of the Space Vikings. Me? I nearly wound up a Space Jester.
Turns out my rival jester is the only one who knew the secret we came to find out, so now it’s off to Star One. If all goes well, by this time next week the Federation will be finished, and I will be on my way home.
Love, Vila
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B13 Star One
26.06.2021
Dear Mum,
We are the only ones in the galaxy who know where Star One is. This should be easy.
Oh, wait, Travis also knows…. And he had a head start. Still, we have the fastest ship in the galaxy, and it’s a long, long way to Star One, but maybe we shouldn't have stopped at the Space Little Chef.
Avon wants it ended. Cally wants to protect the people who might die without Star One, Jenna wants to get on with it, Blake wants to prove he was right, and I want a drink.
Oh, and there’s a mine field between Star One and Andromeda. I wonder why it’s there. Orac says it’s a combination mine field and electronic alarm. Why do you need an electronic alarm? Isn’t a mine blowing up enough of an alarm?
And now a large fleet of hairy aliens has showed up in ships borrowed from the Kitchen Section at IKEA.
Blake got shot, the mine field got deactivated, the aliens came through, and we have to hold the line until the Feds show up. The Feds are coming to help us. The galaxy is turned upside down.
Wars can do that, and this is a galactic war. Someone start the timer so we can see how long it lasts.
I’ll write next week… I hope…
Love, Vila
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