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Fan Fiction: Vila's Letters Home, by Brad Black, Season C (2021)
- 25 Jan 2022
- Fan Fiction
- 49 Reads
04.07.2021
Dear Mum,
Good news and bad news.
We won, I think. If this is winning, I’d hate to be the loser. The ship is in bad trouble and we had to scarper. I hope I can find a way to post this. Otherwise you may not get this letter until I find Orac, which also means finding Avon, thus the ‘good news and bad news’ I alluded to earlier.
We held the line against the invading alien horde bent on eradicating mankind, just like Uncle (by marriage) Jeffrey. Whatever happened to him, anyway? Yes, we held the line, not that it will make us famous or help us get a last minute booking.
So like our other famous space faring Uncle, Tom (who I think made Major, not bad for a Restal), Here am I sitting in my tin can far above the world. Chenga is blue and there’s nothing I can do. Yes, it looks like my escape pod is heading for the planet Chenga. I hope they are friendly.
Here’s hoping our ship survives and we all make it back safely, and no arrogant Federation stuffed shirt captains or sadistic section leaders find it first.
Maybe someone on Chenga will help me post this.
Short letter this week. Not much to write about when you spend almost all the episode in an escape pod.
Love, Vila
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C2 Powerplay
12.07.2021
Dear Mum,
Still haven’t made it back to Liberator, if there even is a Liberator to go back to. Zen hasn’t answered my calls. And I broke my arm. And I had no food. I got a stroke of luck when I found Lom and Mall. Mall kept asking me if I’d seen Popeye (don’t know why). And Lom really hated High Techs, even though I think he used to be one back on Cloud City where he was in charge of communications, and thus doesn’t need me to explain communicators, which is just as well, really.
It’s taking hours for Liberator to reach me, which is odd, really. I wouldn’t think the range on an escape pod is all that far, and Liberator is the fastest ship in the galaxy. I bet Zen’s taking the long way round on purpose.
My good luck continued when I ran into Zee and Barr. Barr looks familiar, and for some reason I cannot explain, puts me in mind of Tin Foil. These lovely girls took me to their medical facility where I met Cally.
I can’t believe my run of luck. Maybe I don’t have to go back to Liberator at all. One of the nurses even agreed to post this letter for me, calling it a reasonable last request, whatever that means. Yes, things are really looking up. I think my luck has finally changed.
Love, Vila.
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C3 Volcano
17.07.2021
Dear Mum,
The new kids teleported down to a volcano. I didn’t. They were looking for Blake, and didn’t find him. They were also looking for an old friend of Hal Mellandby, and did find him. (The old friend, that is, we know where Hal Melanby is….).
The old friend is Hower, the leader of the Pie-Rhoans, and they probably wish they didn’t find him. It seems the Pie-Rhoans are opposed to war, well, all but one of them. And it turns out one is all it takes. While Tarrant and Dayna and Avon were away, the Feds attacked, invited by one of the Pie-Rhoans. The feds captured all of us, all of us except Zen…
At one point, Cally was gone, Tarrant was gone, Dayna was gone, Orac was gone. It was just me and Avon. And they wonder why I drink so much A&S.
Avon must have done some upgrades. Back on Horizon, Zen stated that Libby couldn’t defeat three ships at once. Today Zen fought off eight cruisers all on his own. I think he was really enjoying himself. Meanwhile, the Pie-Rhoans blew up their own planet.
What a waste. I was very disappointed to visit the Pie-Rhoans and find out there was actually no pie.
Love, Vila
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C4 Dawn of the Gods
25.07.2021
Dear Mum,
You know how rare Black Holes are, well, this makes two we’ve found. Technically, Jenna called the first one a Gravitational Vortex, but it felt the same to me. Jenna flew us right through that one. Tarrant flew us into this one, but couldn’t fly us out without help. I must be sure to work that into the conversation if Jenna and Tarrant ever meet.
This black hole harbored yet another Auron legend. First The Lost, now The Thaarn. How many megalomaniacs did the Auronar send out into the galaxy? The Thaarn is supposed to be some sort of legendary Auron god. I think his name is Dawn.
I had to go out in a space suit. It was very stuffy and my helmet was fogging up, so I drilled some small holes. Being a nice guy, I did it for Tarrant’s suit, too. It’s okay, no one will notice.
Guess who is working for The Thaarn? I ran into old Uncle Sebatian. Fortunately, he didn’t recognize me. He’s mad as ever, and still wearing his silly hat. (In this style 10/6). At least he’s mellowed a bit since the Vorlons brought him back. He has neuronic whip. It can turn an aggressive man into a gibbering idiot. In Tarrant’s case, I’m not sure I noticed any difference.
The Thaarn has a master control room, complete with a big red lever for the self-destruction of said control room. Reminds me of old Uncle Victor’s “We Belong Dead” switch. What is it with these mad scientists and their big self-destruct levers anyway?
We all escaped when Cally shot the Thaarn. He was a bald dwarf, and it turns out he was quite hard to find indeed, so Tarrant was wrong again.
Well, off to Kairos for a little larceny. Finally, a mission that plays to my strengths.
Love, Vila.
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C5 Harvest of Kairos
02.08.2021
Dear Mum,
Who says Avon doesn’t form sentimental attachments? He’s fallen in love with a rock. Finally, something to keep Cally’s moon disk company. Avon said the magic rock lived on a planet with Earth-like temperatures. I guess it does, technically, as Antarctica is part of Earth.
We’re off to steal some Kairopan. What’s better, we’ll let other people do all the work, and then nick the goodies. That’s what I call real thieving. Only problem, despite having the fastest ship in the galaxy, Servalan beat us here…. Again….
Tarrant easily fought off three of the Federation’s newest pursuit ships… because the Feds wanted him to. They hid guards on the shuttle. And it really pains me to say this… Avon saved us.
Next, we easily loaded the Kairopan on Liberator… because the Feds wanted us to. They also hid guards in the Kairopan. Turns out it was an old friend of Tarrant’s pulling his strings.
Fortunately, Avon outsmarted Servalan, guaranteeing our safety.
Unfortunately, Servalan outsmarted Avon, guaranteeing our death.
Why do I feel like I’m playing for the wrong team?
And why has no one ever noticed the seven foot tall crab spider on Kairos? It shouldn’t be hard to find, it’s not like it’s a bald dwarf. And if the seven foot tall spider eats Kairopan, why haven’t they all starved to death with the Feds taking all the Kairopan?
Fortunately, Tarrant’s friend came down to fight Tarrant Man to Man, or is that Caveman to Caveman?
Unfortunately, Tarrant lost.
So Avon used his magic rock to save us all. He’ll be insufferable now. So, like Cally’s moondisk, let’s be sure to never ever mention the magic rock again, no matter how useful it might be.
Love, Vila
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C6 City at the Edge of the World
09.08.2021
Dear Mum,
Tarrant. Have I mentioned that for all his bravado and bravery, sometimes he is a real jerk? I’m sure I must have done. He’s being a real jerk right now. And Sometimes he’s not nearly as street smart as he thinks he is. He did a deal with some farmers for some crystals we needed, only he never saw the merchandise, only a sample. Yes, he fell for the oldest grift in the book, ‘salting the mine.’ And it gets worse, because he wasn’t actually doing a deal with the farmers. They were just a front. He was really doing a deal with Bayban.
Yes, THAT Bayban.
Yes, I’m still alive.
Bayban is everything his legend says he is. Brutal, tough, and just a little bit charming. He has a nice smile, kind of like a shark, right before it eats you. I know he’s tough, because he runs around in a Sontaran leather jumper, and you know how hard it is to get one of those off a Sontaran.
Then there was Kerrill. You’d have liked Kerrill. I liked Kerrill. Odd girl. Tough, hell for leather bite- through-bullets personality during the day, cute, hold-me-I’m-scared little girly girl at night. She fell for the old, “We’re likely to die soon,” ploy, and I didn’t even have to mention it. Come to think of it, maybe I’m the one who fell for her ploy. She stayed with the farmers. I stayed with the Liberator. Probably not the smartest move I’ve ever made, but probably the best for her. She’ll be safer with the farmers.
Whether or not they’ll be safe with her is another matter. On the other hand, their leader looks a lot, and I do mean A LOT, like the Black Guardian, so I think they will be okay.
Yes, I’m convinced this was best for Kerrill. It was probably the best for me, too. I would have been a legend among the farmers, and I have known enough legends to know what happens to them.
Bye for now,
Love, Vila.
PS Tarrant is still being a jerk.
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C7 Children of Auron
16.08.2021
Dear Mum,
Avon and Cally had a tiff… I think. It’s hard to tell sometimes with Cally’s moral innuendo and Avon’s big words (even bigger than Innuendo). But, ‘gutless inanity’ hardly sounds like sweet talk.
We were headed to Earth when Cally got a distress call from her home planet. Seems they had a little outbreak of Plague. I got to stay on Liberator with Orac and Dayna while everyone else went down to Plague Infected Auron. Orac wasn’t very good company, but the Plague would have been worse company.
Of course, it turns out that Servalan unleashed the plague to lure us into a trap. And it worked. It always works. Still, Servalan is not perfect. She forgot about Dayna for one thing. Personally, I’ve always found it hard to forget about someone who has sworn they are going to kill me, but I don't have a military dictatorship to run. Servalan probably has lots of people who have sworn they are going to kill her.
We cured the plague and rescued the gene stock. We sent Franton and the gene stocks to Kaarn. Now to look up Kaarn and see who else might be there…..
Oh…. Oh, dear…. Small galaxy and all that…. Good luck, Kerill….
Cally’s sister Zelda stayed behind and got killed. I was sorry about that. Two Cally’s might have had a good chance at keeping Avon and Tarrant from doing anything stupid.
Speaking of which, we’re back on course for Earth. Avon wants to find the Fed thug who killed his girlfriend. What could possibly go wrong?
Bye for now,
Love, Vila
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C8 Rumours of Death
23.08.2021
Dear Mum,
I am finally appreciated for my art. No, not the art of picking locks, my actual art. Avon had me teleport down to Earth, Yes, Earth, sorry I couldn’t visit, things got a bit hectic… where was I, oh, yes, Avon had me teleport down to Earth and draw a huge cave painting of his old girlfriend.
Then he turned himself into the Feds. Yes, Really.
It was all so Dayna and Tarrant could rescue him and capture a Fed security agent who looks a lot like Senator Bercol, who Avon thinks killed his old girlfriend, (er, the security agent, not senator Bercol).
Turns out the Fed security agent didn’t kill her. Some top agent named Bartholomew did.
So, Avon teleported down to the Presidential Palace to ask Servalan about Bartolomew.
After that, it all went pear shaped. Why is pear shaped a bad thing? I like pears.
Turns out there was a full blown coup underway. Avon, Tarrant, Dayna, and Cally went down at dusk so they wouldn’t be seen, an effect largely, but beautifully, spoiled by Dayna’s bright red jumper. And while Avon was ever so nicely asking Servaan about Bartholomew, Avon’s old girlfriend walks in. Turns out she wasn’t dead after all, which is a good thing, because if she had been dead and walked in, this would be an entirely different show. Yes, Avon’s old girlfriend walked in, and Bartolomew walked in, but only one person walked in. Figured it out yet, Mum?
I told you it got a bit hectic.
The crew was saved thanks to yours truly performing a very fast pickup that was severely underappreciated. Oh, and we got Avon, too. He says he’s fine. And I believe him. Anyone would be fine after drinking all the Adrenaline and Soma on board.
Now I have no A&S, I’ll have to find something else. I wonder if we have any pears, and if you can make wine out of them.
Love, Vila.
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C9 Sarcophagus
29.08.2021
Dear Mum,
We stumbled across an old space ship. After some calm, intellectual debate, we decided to investigate. Turns out the ship was an old tomb, like a coffin, or, wait for it… a Sarcophagus. And like the old tombs of old, it was tricked and trapped. We probably shouldn’t have, but we brought back a large Faberge egg. And someone nicked a ring off the corpse.
I know what you’re thinking, but it wasn’t me. Honest.
It was Cally. And she was soon possessed by the Sarcophagus / Coffin alien. Which might explain why she and Avon had another tiff, but I rather doubt it Then Avon and Tarrant had a tiff. Nothing new there, but this one was over Cally. I think as far as Avon is concerned, he is the only one allowed to pick on her.
So, that ring Cally stole, a gold ring with a big green alien logenze, it’s how the alien in the sarcophagus or coffin got hold of her, and nearly got hold of all of us.
The only thing that stopped it, and I hate to say this, was Avon. He called the Sarcophagus / Coffin alien’s bluff and stole back the ring Cally stole, the big green alien logenze ring.
Because you need to use a big green alien logenze to stop an alien coffin.
Love, Vila.
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C10 Ultraworld
05.09.2021
Dear Mum,
For once I had a nice, quiet time of it. I got to sit all by myself on Liberator while everyone else went over to the big spiky disco ball in space. Avon was the only one keen to go near the place at first, which is odd, as he dresses like a metalhead. Cally sometimes dresses like she’s about to run off to a disco, and that’s exactly what she did.
I’m not sure what happened over there, but apparently the others ran afoul of The Blue Man Group and a supercomputer with something called The Core, so I guess the supercomputer was an Apple. And you know what their customer service is like.
Avon and Cally nearly had a serious mixup, but I sorted things for them (as usual). All I had to do was tell The Core some jokes, and it died laughing. Old Uncle Ernest Scribbler may have won a war by writing The Funniest Joke In The World, but I told the funniest jokes in the galaxy.
Love, Vila
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C11 Moloch
13.09.2021
Dear Mum,
We were following Servalan for 27 days. Why we didn’t save ourselves a lot of future trouble and just blast her out of the sky is beyond me. We flew past a lovely matte painting which was disguising a secret Federation base, but I still don’t think that’s worth not frying Servalan, especially after doing somersaults across the flight deck. The System built this highly advanced ship with neutron blasters, a force wall, a teleport, auto repair, and food synthesizers… but no seat belts.
Our plan for dealing with the Feds required Tarrant to be subtle and cunning. So… yeah… It didn’t go well. We needed a cunning plan. If only Uncle Sodoff were here. Tarrant and I were immediately separated, so it wasn’t all bad news. I also made a new friend. Tarrant beat him up. Alphas…. The only ones I could ever stand were Blake and Jenna. I put Avon in the “Probably won’t try to shove me out an airlock,” category.
You know how I always said I would never meet a woman with nice legs I wouldn't like? I’ve changed my mind. You know how I said I couldn’t understand why Tarrant and Avon didn’t just blast Servalan when they had the chance? Well… I guess it is a little harder than it looks. And to be fair, Servalan didn’t blast Tarrant when she had the chance, either.
For once the bad guy outsmarted himself. We all made it back safely aboard Liberator just as Servalan showed up with her fleet. And for once, Avon used my favorite strategy.
Now I think I’ll have a bite to eat. Anything, really, as long as it’s not Chicken. I’m going to be off Chicken for a while.
Love, Vila
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C12 Death-Watch
20.09.2021
Dear Mum,
For once, Tarrant and Avon agreed to one of my suggestions. For once, I rather wish they hadn’t. You know how we always talked about the Teal / Vandor convention? How we always wished we could attend one day?
Well, I did. And it wasn’t as much fun as advertised, maybe because Tarrnt’s brother was one of the combatants.
Being a Tarrant, he fought like a noble idiot. And you know what happens to noble idiots in a fight, especially when Servalan is one of the referees. It’s a real shame, especially because it turns out all this time we had the wrong Tarrant.
The festivities weren’t much fun either. I got bored and went back to Liberator while Avon visited a sick friend.
Remember how I said Tarrant’s brother was a noble idiot. He had the drop on the other guy, but when the other guy issued a challenge to meet face to face, Tarrant’s brother agreed, rather than shoot him in the back.
I wish Del Grant were the champion. Grant would have said ‘No,’ and then shot him in the back.
Avon would have shot him in the back, and then said, ‘No.’
So, after Tarrant’s brother died, our Tarrant took up the challenge. And he won. How very convenient that the arbiters changed the rules to allow him to take his own gun, instead of issuing him a weapon as they had in every other combat ever…
And I get a night off for a change, as Avon wants to stand watch and wants the flight deck to himself. What could possibly go wrong with Avon on watch.
Love, Vila.
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C13 Terminal
22.09.2021
Dear Mum
As dear old Uncle Cat would say, Don’t fly though the Big Orange Swirly Thing In Space.
We were playing games at the teleport console because in Dayna’s words, ‘Avon isn’t very much fun at the moment.’ When is he ever?
Avon said we should just try trusting him. I remember what Avon said when Blake said that. At least Blake didn’t threaten to kill anyone. In Avon’s defense, he only threatened to kill Tarrant.
So Avon took us to a 400 year old man-made planet and went down on his own without telling anyone what he was doing, but he says he left a video message. It reminds me of the time Blake almost did a scarper after Gan died.
You remember that Big Orange Swirly Thing In Space we flew through? It ate our ship.
Turns out Avon thought he had found Blake. And Avon is the one who warned us about sentimentality. Of course, the whole thing was a trap. Servalan got a half eaten Liberator, much good it did her. I hope the BOSTIS eats her, too. We got Avon back, but not Blake.
Now we’re stuck on a man-made planet full of dangerous mutated life forms with no Liberator, no ship at all, no way off this planet, and no way of knowing what dangers we face, but at least it beats work.
But at least I saved Orac (not that anyone will thank me) so I can still send these digital letters home. You wouldn’t happen to know of any long lost uncles who keep a lot of wine on hand, have a pretty blonde assistant, and own a planet hopper, would you?
Love. Vila
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